Post-It: ETD 00:05am

[maced_eggs]

Right. Gather around, kids. Uncle Mason is here to teach you about what you need to know to survive in your crazy little worlds once you redeem yourselves and go on to live full, productive lives.

First, you need money to survive. So you can either steal, or you can get a job. Job is safer, but it's more work, so if you're going to do the job route you want somewhere where you can slack off as much as humanly possible. Night security, retail, stocking, anythin' like that. Bonus if you're stocking because it means you can lift things on the side. But if you're going the stealing route, leave the credit cards. Cash is king. And hocking stolen merchandise can be a pain in the ass: don't steal things you yourself can't use.

Next, you're gonna need a place to live, right? So what you do is you pick up your newspaper and flip to the local obituary section. Look for older men who live alone, preferably with their kids living out of state. Then go to their houses an' break in. You've got yourself a place! An' sometimes the kids forget to write the social security office so you get free checks too.

Which leaves showering. Don't fuckin' throw your money away on washing clothes. Wear your nastiest, rattiest outfit and go down to the Salvation Army. Pick out clothes you like, switch them out for the ones you're wearing and walk out the door. None the wiser.

Next lessons, we will cover meals, dating, and fighting blokes twice your size. Have I fucking graduated yet? Yes? Fucking hell.

Comments

[sickjoke]

How about you given them a lesson about taking candy from strangers, Mace. Sheesh, how can you have so many bad habits?

[maced_eggs]

Right. Addendum: do not take candy from....well, it actually does depend on the type of candy, come to think of it.


May-sooon. Mason. Yes? Say it with me.

[sickjoke]

Mace.

It's a nickname. You know, you give 'em to your friends?

[maced_eggs]

We are not friends. You shouted at me. An' I can't see your face, an' you keep Gary out of the pub.

It's Mason.

[sickjoke]

My face's not worth looking at, really. I'm sorry about the shouting, though. Gary has to stay out of the pub for his own good. You can visit him in the infirmary while he's in his coma, though.

Mason.

[maced_eggs]

I don't want to visit Gary. I want Gary to come with me so I can have a drink with me mate. Friendship, that's for his own good.

[sickjoke]

We'll see about that when he's not in a coma, okay?

[maced_eggs]

He's a grown fuckin' man, Hood. You're treating him like he's your kid.

[sickjoke]

Unfortunately, that's because he's an inmate and I'm a warden. [ And in Gary's case, being allowed free reign to drink and cause trouble is part of the issue ] 'fraid he needs a firmer hand than some.

[maced_eggs]

You don't hit him, do you?

[sickjoke]

What? No! Never! Jeez, what sort of jerk do you take me for?

[maced_eggs]

Only it seems some wardens like to hit their inmates.

[or it could be Mason is confusing Mirror Barge for the regular Barge]

You really don't hit Gary?

[sickjoke]

[ Mason is easily confused. ]

No. On my honor, I don't hit Gary.

[maced_eggs]

That's good. That means I don't have to kick your red shiny ass.

[sickjoke]

[ Cue face(hood)palm ]

That's... a start I guess.

[maced_eggs]

I've been thinking. I don't want a warden who yells or hits. Can I tell the Admiral that? Before I get paired?

[sickjoke]

Well, none of the... most of the wardens don't yet or hit. [ Thanks, Bond for being an immediate example of a warden who does in fact 'yell and hit'. ] But you can let him know. I imagine he'll keep it in mind.

[maced_eggs]

He doesn't talk to me.

Why doesn't he talk to me? I didn't do a bloody thing to him.

[sickjoke]

He doesn't really talk to us, either.

[maced_eggs]

That doesn't seem right. What's he do all day instead of talking to his wardens? Plays with himself?

[sickjoke]

[ ...don't mind Jack, he's choking on laughter, before he finally just giggles and sniggers. ]

No, probably not.

Personally I hope he's cutting back on the sauce and hitting fewer universes as we go.

[a_favor_now]

Well that's advice to live on.

[The young man on the screen may not be familiar looking to Mason, but if he has even a half cent worth of working brain in his head, he might recognize the voice.

He's not mocking per se, but he does find this amusing. Yes, Mason, teach the masses. Please.]

[maced_eggs]

[Squinting hard at the screen back, Mason is scrambling his brain trying to recognize where he's heard it.]


...Here, who are you?

[maced_eggs]

Oh, he drinks too? Fuckin' hell, everyone gets to drink but Gary.

[walkingmeltdown]

I don't even have the words.

[His voice is flat, staring into the camera at Mason with an empty, subdued sort of bemusement.]

Is all of that truly your idea of good advice-giving, or are you joking around? Giving a list of the literal worst advice ever as an example?