Post-It: ETD 00:05am

[maced_eggs]

Right. Gather around, kids. Uncle Mason is here to teach you about what you need to know to survive in your crazy little worlds once you redeem yourselves and go on to live full, productive lives.

First, you need money to survive. So you can either steal, or you can get a job. Job is safer, but it's more work, so if you're going to do the job route you want somewhere where you can slack off as much as humanly possible. Night security, retail, stocking, anythin' like that. Bonus if you're stocking because it means you can lift things on the side. But if you're going the stealing route, leave the credit cards. Cash is king. And hocking stolen merchandise can be a pain in the ass: don't steal things you yourself can't use.

Next, you're gonna need a place to live, right? So what you do is you pick up your newspaper and flip to the local obituary section. Look for older men who live alone, preferably with their kids living out of state. Then go to their houses an' break in. You've got yourself a place! An' sometimes the kids forget to write the social security office so you get free checks too.

Which leaves showering. Don't fuckin' throw your money away on washing clothes. Wear your nastiest, rattiest outfit and go down to the Salvation Army. Pick out clothes you like, switch them out for the ones you're wearing and walk out the door. None the wiser.

Next lessons, we will cover meals, dating, and fighting blokes twice your size. Have I fucking graduated yet? Yes? Fucking hell.

Comments

[sickjoke]

How about you given them a lesson about taking candy from strangers, Mace. Sheesh, how can you have so many bad habits?

[maced_eggs]

Right. Addendum: do not take candy from....well, it actually does depend on the type of candy, come to think of it.


May-sooon. Mason. Yes? Say it with me.

[sickjoke]

Mace.

It's a nickname. You know, you give 'em to your friends?

[maced_eggs]

We are not friends. You shouted at me. An' I can't see your face, an' you keep Gary out of the pub.

It's Mason.

[a_favor_now]

Well that's advice to live on.

[The young man on the screen may not be familiar looking to Mason, but if he has even a half cent worth of working brain in his head, he might recognize the voice.

He's not mocking per se, but he does find this amusing. Yes, Mason, teach the masses. Please.]

[maced_eggs]

[Squinting hard at the screen back, Mason is scrambling his brain trying to recognize where he's heard it.]


...Here, who are you?

[a_favor_now]

Just a fellow inmate. Really though, have you ever considered teaching?

[maced_eggs]

I think you need a degree for that. An' I was kicked out of school for hitting my teacher with a fire extinguisher.

[walkingmeltdown]

I don't even have the words.

[His voice is flat, staring into the camera at Mason with an empty, subdued sort of bemusement.]

Is all of that truly your idea of good advice-giving, or are you joking around? Giving a list of the literal worst advice ever as an example?

[maced_eggs]

Holy fuck it's a talking glowskull.

Someone is fucking with me. Someone's bought some Halloween puppet and propped it up on my screen and is fucking with my head.

Here, how do you get that jaw action? That's bloody impressive.

[walkingmeltdown]

[Oh goodie, someone who apparently hasn't seen him lurking around yet. Now he gets to do this all over again.

He breathes out in a terse exasperated sigh, and though it's hard to tell if Mason's looking carefully he might realize Blight's rolling his eyes.]

I am not a Halloween prop, although admittedly I can understand your confusion. [Sardonic.] Believe you me, I am very real. It's better for you if you don't try my patience, because otherwise you might get to find out exactly how real.

[maced_eggs]

Whassit, you're like the fuckin' Crypt Keeper. You ever watch that show? Tales from the Crypt?

Say, "Hello, Boils and Ghouls".

[rhapsody_in]

Unfortunately that clothing trick won't work here. No shops.

[maced_eggs]

No.

But there are the rooms of people you don't like.

[rhapsody_in]

Easier said than done. Have you looked at some of these locks?

[maced_eggs]

You weigh risk against rewards, love. Don't pick something too hard for yourself.

[punched_hitler]

[Could he sound any more wry? PROBABLY NOT.] I'm not sure most of that actually constitutes "productive," you know.

[maced_eggs]

'Course it's productive. It's money-saving, time-saving, an' effort-saving. Can't ask for more than that.

[punched_hitler]

I don't think any of those words are actually in the definition of productive.

Either way... showering's a good thing to do. I think it's worth the time.

[He's got opinions on the rest of it, too, but you don't sound like the type of guy who's going to change your mind, do you.]

[notsoneedy]

You are un-fucking-believable.

[maced_eggs]

Fuck off, yes? Thank you very much.

[notsoneedy]

You can't put out an open broadcast talking at people and then get mad when somebody responds.

[routemistress]

I think you're leaving one little detail out, Mason lovey. That'd be the one about 'ow this is the exact lifestyle that landed you 'ere in the first place.

[maced_eggs]

It did not. I led a very comfortable life like this for forty fuckin' undead years...plus maybe a handful or two while I was still alive.

[routemistress]

And 'ere you are. Quid pro ...no, I mean ipso facto, don't I?

Do you 'ave a warden yet?