Post-It: ETD 00:05am

[maced_eggs]

Right. Gather around, kids. Uncle Mason is here to teach you about what you need to know to survive in your crazy little worlds once you redeem yourselves and go on to live full, productive lives.

First, you need money to survive. So you can either steal, or you can get a job. Job is safer, but it's more work, so if you're going to do the job route you want somewhere where you can slack off as much as humanly possible. Night security, retail, stocking, anythin' like that. Bonus if you're stocking because it means you can lift things on the side. But if you're going the stealing route, leave the credit cards. Cash is king. And hocking stolen merchandise can be a pain in the ass: don't steal things you yourself can't use.

Next, you're gonna need a place to live, right? So what you do is you pick up your newspaper and flip to the local obituary section. Look for older men who live alone, preferably with their kids living out of state. Then go to their houses an' break in. You've got yourself a place! An' sometimes the kids forget to write the social security office so you get free checks too.

Which leaves showering. Don't fuckin' throw your money away on washing clothes. Wear your nastiest, rattiest outfit and go down to the Salvation Army. Pick out clothes you like, switch them out for the ones you're wearing and walk out the door. None the wiser.

Next lessons, we will cover meals, dating, and fighting blokes twice your size. Have I fucking graduated yet? Yes? Fucking hell.

Comments

[maced_eggs]

Look. Hood. Friend.

Don't go blaming other people for not wanting to see it. Everyone's gotten use to everyone looking how they are. You don't like seein' you. That's the start and end of it. Yes?

[sickjoke]

Yeah, says the man mocking Derek because he glows.

[ But he pops the tabs under his collar, and the helm gives with a hiss. He lifts it off to rake one gloved hand through his hair. ]

You want a go at me too?

[maced_eggs]

[Mason pauses, his brow wrinkled in confusion as he squints at Hood, struggling to place him. He's seen that face before, and for a second is frozen up in fear.

.....Nope. Lost it. He blinks, and his casual stoner smile is back]

That's one interesting look for you, I've got to say. But I was expecting somethin' way more horrific. Open, gashing wounds an' rotten yellow teeth an' itty beady black eyes.

[sickjoke]

[ You mean that slash of a red mouth, the Joker's yellow teeth, and beady eyes? Since... you just described him, Mason. ]

You are an odd duck.

You know that, right?

[maced_eggs]

[No one ever said he was smart, okay]

What the fuck do ducks have to do with it?

[sickjoke]

[ You are one of God's special creatures, Mason. ]

It's a turn of phrase, Mason.

[maced_eggs]

Well, it's one that doesn't make any fucking sense, yes?

Anyway.

You're not some burned-up corpsey husk. I tell you I have seen much, much worse than you in my day. And that is the truth.

[sickjoke]

Maybe that's true. [ No, it is true ] But it's a touch more complicated than that.

[ But he can practically hear Iris saying if you hoist Babs up on your cross we will have words, love or something equally... Irisy. ]

I'm not a monster. [ ...here. ] I get that. But it bothers me and disturbs some people.

[maced_eggs]

The fuckin' hood disturbs me. You look like you're coming in to chop off all our heads.

[sickjoke]

I'm not a murderer.

[maced_eggs]

I know, I know. I'm the murderer, not you. Life's a bit funny like that. Or, death. Ironic, maybe, that killers are handsome blokes like me.

[sickjoke]

And yet so modest.

[maced_eggs]

I am pretty, aren't I? Am I pretty?

[sickjoke]

Well, you're not my usual type, sorry. I prefer blondes.

[maced_eggs]

No I don't want fuckin' guys.

I mean.

Am I attractive? For the girls here, I mean. I've at least got a shot, haven't I?

[sickjoke]

You're a guy who doesn't shower who dresses in stolen clothes.

There isn't a man or woman on the barge who can't do better.

[maced_eggs]

[Mason's self esteem is a fragile thing. Even when faced with absolute truth, he gets into a slump sometimes when he can't drag himself out, and the light seems to disappear from his expression. He finds himself wishing for alcohol.]

No, I mean. I was only joking. 'Course not.

I'm a bit tired, I think I ought to go, yes? No more lessons for today.

[sickjoke]

[ And now Jack feels like a jerk. Which is fine: he kind of was one. ]

Mason? You'll be fine. With the ladies, I mean. I was just teasing.

[ He's just- screwing up left and right lately. ]

Promise.

[maced_eggs]

'Course. Right. I mean, I really am tired an' all, it's been quite a long day and I really would like to get some rest now.

[sickjoke]

'course.

[ ....yup. Just gonna let the poor guy go and go punch a bag. ]

[maced_eggs]

[Mason in turn slinks off to go feel sorry for himself and maybe beg his way into the bar. Under no circumstances will he make efforts to change his habits and take a damn shower]