Post-It: ETD 00:05am

[maced_eggs]

Right. Gather around, kids. Uncle Mason is here to teach you about what you need to know to survive in your crazy little worlds once you redeem yourselves and go on to live full, productive lives.

First, you need money to survive. So you can either steal, or you can get a job. Job is safer, but it's more work, so if you're going to do the job route you want somewhere where you can slack off as much as humanly possible. Night security, retail, stocking, anythin' like that. Bonus if you're stocking because it means you can lift things on the side. But if you're going the stealing route, leave the credit cards. Cash is king. And hocking stolen merchandise can be a pain in the ass: don't steal things you yourself can't use.

Next, you're gonna need a place to live, right? So what you do is you pick up your newspaper and flip to the local obituary section. Look for older men who live alone, preferably with their kids living out of state. Then go to their houses an' break in. You've got yourself a place! An' sometimes the kids forget to write the social security office so you get free checks too.

Which leaves showering. Don't fuckin' throw your money away on washing clothes. Wear your nastiest, rattiest outfit and go down to the Salvation Army. Pick out clothes you like, switch them out for the ones you're wearing and walk out the door. None the wiser.

Next lessons, we will cover meals, dating, and fighting blokes twice your size. Have I fucking graduated yet? Yes? Fucking hell.

Comments

[maced_eggs]

Fuck off. I was not evasive.

[walkingmeltdown]

You just forgot to answer my perfectly meaningless question, then?

[maced_eggs]

I jus' had to think about it, is all. I'm from lots of places. Seattle, now.

[walkingmeltdown]

Why Seattle from all the way across the North Atlantic?

[maced_eggs]

Got transferred. First it was London to Leeds, then it was Leeds to Pakistan for a bit in 1970, then back to London, then to China. That was 1975 an' 76. Spent two fuckin' years there, still can't speak Chinese.

Then I was in the Americas, though I did get occasional vacations out to Indonesia, Venezuela. All the major disasters, really, where they don't have enough of us in one place so they've got to put us around the world. You know, the one thing I have yet to see is a volcanic eruption? I've been for floods, mudslides, storms, tsunamis, heatwaves, earthquakes, all of it. No volcanoes.

[walkingmeltdown]

How tragic for you. Maybe they should send you to Hawaii next. So if I'm understanding all of this correctly, not only are there "reapers" in your world but they seem to have a...bureaucracy.

[maced_eggs]

God, I'd love Hawaii. Never been there before.

'Course it's a fuckin' bureaucracy. You should see the paperwork involved. And the yearly self-evaluations.

[walkingmeltdown]

I can't tell if this is hysterical or unsettling. What happens if-slash-when someone messes up? You know, misplaces a form, things like that. Because those are fairly inevitable with that kind of a system.

[maced_eggs]

Then death tries to fix itself. Right itself.

Usually with more death, so...s'best to avoid it happening.

[walkingmeltdown]

I would imagine so, yes.

[maced_eggs]

Anyway. Thasswhy they usually put fun-hating obsessives in charge of it. Not me.

[walkingmeltdown]

Yes. Perish the thought that the forces of life and death were somehow left to your decidedly disorganized and incompetent hands.

Do your whole world a favor and never try bucking for a promotion. Not that you would get it, anyway.

[maced_eggs]

Fuck off, yeah? I don't fuckin' want a promotion.

But if I did, I could get one, you slimy, three-piece-suited glowstick.

[walkingmeltdown]

I really rather doubt that.

[maced_eggs]

Uhm, fuck you, yes? Fuck you and fuck off.

[walkingmeltdown]

And oh so eloquent, too. But considering the flow of this conversation, gladly.

Resume your giving of your hard-won 'advice'. I'm sure it will be very worthwhile.

[maced_eggs]

Glowstick Dick.

[walkingmeltdown]

I've been on this ship surrounded by teenagers for three months now. That one's already gotten old.

[Besides, his gets more action than yours probably will. He doesn't even sweat that much anymore but he still bathes regularly, unlike certain other people.]

[maced_eggs]

God, what's it take for you to get a hint, mate? Here, how do you shut this thing off?

[walkingmeltdown]

Here, I'll show you.

[/click.]