Post-It: ETD 00:05am

[maced_eggs]

Right. Gather around, kids. Uncle Mason is here to teach you about what you need to know to survive in your crazy little worlds once you redeem yourselves and go on to live full, productive lives.

First, you need money to survive. So you can either steal, or you can get a job. Job is safer, but it's more work, so if you're going to do the job route you want somewhere where you can slack off as much as humanly possible. Night security, retail, stocking, anythin' like that. Bonus if you're stocking because it means you can lift things on the side. But if you're going the stealing route, leave the credit cards. Cash is king. And hocking stolen merchandise can be a pain in the ass: don't steal things you yourself can't use.

Next, you're gonna need a place to live, right? So what you do is you pick up your newspaper and flip to the local obituary section. Look for older men who live alone, preferably with their kids living out of state. Then go to their houses an' break in. You've got yourself a place! An' sometimes the kids forget to write the social security office so you get free checks too.

Which leaves showering. Don't fuckin' throw your money away on washing clothes. Wear your nastiest, rattiest outfit and go down to the Salvation Army. Pick out clothes you like, switch them out for the ones you're wearing and walk out the door. None the wiser.

Next lessons, we will cover meals, dating, and fighting blokes twice your size. Have I fucking graduated yet? Yes? Fucking hell.

Comments

[notsoneedy]

You can't put out an open broadcast talking at people and then get mad when somebody responds.

[maced_eggs]

You can when someone is choosing to be incredibly judgmental about it.

Now piss off.

[notsoneedy]

Because I'm sure everyone else is responding to tell you what a super awesome advice giver you are.

[maced_eggs]

Actually, they are. They all fuckin' love me an' my tips.

[notsoneedy]

Like a leper loves a prostitute.

[maced_eggs]

Thassnot even a real saying.

[notsoneedy]

It's from a joke. You know, "What did the leper say to the prostitute?"

[maced_eggs]

Keep the tip?

[notsoneedy]

He shoots, annnnd he scores.

Get it? It's like a pun.

[maced_eggs]

Issa gross pun. What you want to think of diseased penises for?

[notsoneedy]

I don't know. Sometimes humor is just gross because it's supposed to be funny. Like all those dead baby jokes kids at my school used to tell.

[maced_eggs]

Dead babies aren't funny. They're sad. Kids at your school are fuckin' wankers.

[notsoneedy]

They were high school students. [So, yeah. Duh.] The crazy people in lockup tell worse jokes, anyway.

[maced_eggs]

You're a crazy person, then?

[notsoneedy]

So they tell me. But then, no one believed in demons where I'm from.

Do you?

[maced_eggs]

I believe that...there are some things that we don't know about. Evil, nasty little things. An' I believe some people are demons all their own.

You're asking if I believe in church-ish, fire an' brimstone pitchfork demons?

[notsoneedy]

Yeah. Kind of holier-than-thou shit, I know. [There's a tight laugh in her voice when she says it.] But that's what I mean. The Devil, and Hell, and the ability to make deals with him, and all the demons that serve him.

[maced_eggs]

I can't say for sure. Reapers aren't allowed to know what's beyond. We stay on Earth, do our time, then...I dunno.

[notsoneedy]

What do you mean, you're not allowed to know? You're part of the system, or something, aren't you?

[maced_eggs]

Yeah. Doesn't mean they let me know what goes on behind the big security special-clearance-only doors now, does it?

[notsoneedy]

That's fucktarded. You shouldn't do it anymore.

[maced_eggs]

Not especially an option, love. I don't want to spend the rest of me days undead. I don't want souls rotting in their bodies. I don't want bad things to happen to me or other people for not doing my job.

[notsoneedy]

Could have fooled me, with the way you talk here, and what I've seen of you so far.

[maced_eggs]

How about you just shut your smug mouth until you know just what the fuck you're talking about, yes?

[notsoneedy]

Ouch, someone's testy.