Post-It: ETD 00:05am

[maced_eggs]

Right. Gather around, kids. Uncle Mason is here to teach you about what you need to know to survive in your crazy little worlds once you redeem yourselves and go on to live full, productive lives.

First, you need money to survive. So you can either steal, or you can get a job. Job is safer, but it's more work, so if you're going to do the job route you want somewhere where you can slack off as much as humanly possible. Night security, retail, stocking, anythin' like that. Bonus if you're stocking because it means you can lift things on the side. But if you're going the stealing route, leave the credit cards. Cash is king. And hocking stolen merchandise can be a pain in the ass: don't steal things you yourself can't use.

Next, you're gonna need a place to live, right? So what you do is you pick up your newspaper and flip to the local obituary section. Look for older men who live alone, preferably with their kids living out of state. Then go to their houses an' break in. You've got yourself a place! An' sometimes the kids forget to write the social security office so you get free checks too.

Which leaves showering. Don't fuckin' throw your money away on washing clothes. Wear your nastiest, rattiest outfit and go down to the Salvation Army. Pick out clothes you like, switch them out for the ones you're wearing and walk out the door. None the wiser.

Next lessons, we will cover meals, dating, and fighting blokes twice your size. Have I fucking graduated yet? Yes? Fucking hell.

Comments

[maced_eggs]

'Course it's productive. It's money-saving, time-saving, an' effort-saving. Can't ask for more than that.

[punched_hitler]

I don't think any of those words are actually in the definition of productive.

Either way... showering's a good thing to do. I think it's worth the time.

[He's got opinions on the rest of it, too, but you don't sound like the type of guy who's going to change your mind, do you.]

[maced_eggs]

I prefer the pool. Or, rain. Communal inmate showers really are not my thing. Mixing with murderers, rapists, bad men in general, no thank you.

[punched_hitler]

Well, I can see your point, but I'm pretty sure the adage about whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger probably applies to that one.

[maced_eggs]

Yeah, right. You're not the one who has to go in there, unmentionables all exposed for anyone to stab. I will remain very much intact and smelly.

[punched_hitler]

It's your call, pal. But I have seen what happens when guys don't wash up for months.

[maced_eggs]

An' I've seen about a hundred prison shower stabbings. No thank you.

[punched_hitler]

Okay.

By the way, are you sure you want to encourage stealing - especially in a place like this?

[Yeah, he's questioning just how reformed you likely are. But you don't actually seem dangerous. Which is good.]

[maced_eggs]

I'm not encouraging it. I'm jus' showing them how it's done. Nothin' wrong with that, is there?

[punched_hitler]

I think that still falls pretty close to the realm of encouragement, is all. [You know, the power of suggestion.]

[maced_eggs]

What're you going to do about it, then?

[punched_hitler]

Did I say I was going to do anything about it? [Yet?

Although he figures it's probably kind of his job to, you know, discourage this sort of thing.]

[maced_eggs]

No? Good.

Now shut your face so's I can educate all the little ones.

[punched_hitler]

[He is trying so hard not to roll his eyes at you.]

Just keep in mind that if I catch anyone taking most of that "advice," I'm gonna have to do something about it. And you might end up guilty by association.

[maced_eggs]

What? What's that even mean?

[punched_hitler]

Guilty by association. You've never heard that one?

[Maybe he shouldn't be surprised. Alas, he is.]

[maced_eggs]

No, I mean, whassit mean for you? You mean to tell me if some bugger goes an' gets his head blown off, you'll kick my arse?

[punched_hitler]

Did I say that, exactly?

[He shouldn't be so amused. Seriously, he's just trying to get his point across, pal.]

[maced_eggs]

I don't know what you're saying! An' may I remind you that it is not fair to be messing with my head the way it is. Say what you bloody mean.

[punched_hitler]

I never heard anywhere that I had to be fair.

[But okay. He's not a mean guy. Fairness is deserved.]

All I said was that if people start taking your advice, and it gets back to me - or any other warden - you shouldn't expect to escape all the blame.

Make sense?

[maced_eggs]

No. No, it doesn't make sense. Personal responsibility, yes? What people do by themselves is not a concern of mine.

[punched_hitler]

I'm not saying people aren't personally responsible.

I'm just saying you don't want to be personally responsible for putting bad ideas in people's heads.

[A shrug.] The idea here is reform. That's what I was told when I signed on.

[oaky, reform doesn't mean totally on the straight and narrow. But he's not letting you know he thinks that.]

[maced_eggs]

An' were you told to go around reforming everyone you meet? Because last time I checked, I was not paired.

[punched_hitler]

I wasn't told not to offer advice. [Explicitly.]

Especially if you don't have a warden of your own.

[maced_eggs]

I'm in the clear then, aren't I? If I've not got a warden, no one's around to tell me what not to do.

[This makes all logical sense in Mason's world]